Somewhere Between Cancer and COVID
The most hated "C" word in the past few years has been COVID. It's produced more than its share of chaos, fear, and turmoil in our nation and worldwide. However, still existing is another other hated "C" word - Cancer. Something I never expected to experience personally. I have a lot of friends who've wrestled with this disease, but honestly, when it happens to you, it takes a while for the reality to sink in.
When I saw the reports saying I had an invasive mammary adenocarcinoma in my left breast, they were just words on paper that didn't seem true. I felt fine except for a mild ache in my chest. My breast looked a little misshapen, but that was expected at my age, right? Even after I had the mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, CT scan, and genetic testing, it all seemed like a big mistake.
I remember the first time I walked into the Cancer Center in July 2020. I experienced a weird disconnect. I thought to myself, "What am I doing here? I don't belong here with all of these sick people." The longer I sat there, the more uncomfortable I felt. I couldn't wait to get out of there and grab my "real" life back. My mind told me I was a strong, healthy woman. The assessments told a different story. The facts and the feelings didn't align, and I didn't want them to. I had bigger and better plans for my life, and this couldn't be God's plan for me!
I kept thinking things like, "This is so unfair! Dave and I have only been married for 2 1/2 years. We shouldn't have to deal with this!" I had this faulty idea that we had already paid our dues in life, served God with great sacrifice, and somehow we deserved to stroll into our golden years without any issues. I thought we were entitled to our happily ever after. I even confessed to one of my friends that I felt like poor Dave had gotten a raw deal when he married me. I felt I had let him down by getting cancer.
I somehow felt a deep sense of shame connected with this cancer. I couldn't shake the feeling that, in some way, I must be responsible for this mess and all the ways it had and would continue to impact everything in our lives. Someone had to be at fault, so who was to blame? What if it was me who contributed to getting cancer? I wondered if I could've done something different to prevent this diagnosis. All I knew was that I had so many questions and not many answers.
After reviewing all the tests, my cancer team at U of M's Rogel Cancer Center told Dave and I that a mastectomy was the only option. I felt fragile and needed to encourage myself for what I knew would be a serious challenge, so before my first surgery, I decided to get a tattoo. I had some pretty flowers and Joshua 1:9 inked onto my forearm to help me remember what God had commanded Joshua "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I know that my faith in Jesus is the only reason I've been able to be strong and courageous in the face of this illness. He knew what was ahead because He'd already been there, so even now when I look at the three delicate flowers and scripture verse on my arm, I feel His presence with me, encouraging me to fight the good fight and believe that He's in control.
I could never do cancer without God, but I also couldn't do it without a community. During this journey, I had to face the fact that nobody was meant to do it alone. We were made for community! Pride tried to tell me that I could do it by myself. I was strong and capable. It took me a long time to accept that I was weak from cancer and had to accept help from others. That's when that pesky thing called humility came in.
Humility put me in a position of uncomfortable insufficiency, not knowing how I would press through the hardship and depend on more than my own resources. Thankfully, it also was the catalyst to help me build a deeper dependence on God and others around me. It helped me remember that I was not self-sufficient or unlike others who struggled and were not alone in the battle. It wasn't until after my fourth surgery that I finally got it through my thick head that God knew what He was doing when He put my amazing husband, incredible Radiant church family, faithful friends, and loving family members into my life. It helped me allow others the opportunity to care for and love me through their prayers, their acts of service, and their kindness toward me. It helped those around me share in my recovery, which, over time, I came to see was for their personal shaping as well.
In the beginning, I lamented the effects of cancer on my marriage, but what I came to understand is what it really means to love someone for better or worse. Through it all, Dave has shown himself to be a true leader, protector, defender and man of God. He has stepped up to the plate and taken every curve ball like a major leaguer. He's been my steady anchor every step of the way, has prayed us through the storms, and loved me like no other, despite all my broken pieces. Having cancer has helped me see God through my husband's words and actions. It has brought us to a place in marriage that we may never have experienced if I had not been sick.
I have to confess, there have been days when I have been worn down and weary. I look toward heaven and ask, "Lord, could you give Dave and I a break? A win for once!" But then I am convicted of my ungrateful attitude. What if being alive and surviving four surgeries, a massive infection, and Covid at the same time IS a win? What if having a wonderful husband, great doctors, an awesome church family, and supportive family and friends IS God's favor? It puts in perspective how blessed I've actually been.
Gratitude itself is a gift from God. I can't summon it up on command or make myself feel grateful. It is a result of looking at my world through the filter of God's grace. What God has said about me, what He has done for me, and what He has promised is imminently more important than what I or anyone else says. He alone is truth. It was very discouraging when the doctors gave me their diagnosis and prognosis, but I chose to filter words and situations through His Truth. My "God filter" tells me that I am defined by Him, the Word, and the assurance of Christ's redemption. I may have been diagnosed with cancer, but I refuse to let a malignancy define who I am. I am a beloved daughter, cancer or not, and a forever devoted follower of Jesus Christ. That is what makes me grateful to be alive.
Even when the pain was intense and the obstacles looked daunting, I knew I could be at peace because He was with me. Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." He also declared, "I am with you always...even until the end of the age." He didn't leave me to face my disappointments alone but sent the Comforter to be with me, to speak peace into my soul, and to guide me into all truth. If fear is a liar, then praise is where my healing has come from. I'll never forget singing with Dave on the way to and from appointments, in the MRI tubes, or throughout this rocky road to recovery. The Bible says God inhabits the praises of His people, so I have counted it a privilege to have been a worshiper for many years. There's nothing I'd rather do than sing with whatever good or bad feelings are within me. At the end of the day, my joyful noises are all songs of authentic moments giving my sacrifice of praise to Jesus.
Most of all, I've had to focus on the purpose rather than the problem. Whether it's COVID, cancer, the loss of a spouse, a job, or even a dream, God uses everything for His purposes, even if I don't like it! In my particular cancer journey, the purpose, according to what Jesus said in John 9: 1-3, is to display the works of God in me.
If the last 18 months of surgeries, radiation treatments, tubes, and appointments have taught me anything, it's been to cherish every day, every experience and memory. It's to be present and grateful for what I have and not what I want. Despite dealing with some of the lingering leftover effects of cancer treatment, I declare myself cancer-free in Jesus' name. I am pressing in and pressing on in leading a small group here at Radiant, contributing to the prayer ministry, and doing whatever else the Lord shows me to do. Yes, I have scars. The truth is, everyone has them; Physical, emotional, and/or spiritual. We all have had setbacks and stuff to deal with. The ups and downs of each person's life are distinct but not unique. There's nothing He doesn't understand. Every story has its twists and turns, but they all have a purpose. It's a dance with the Lord that sometimes looks like a Tango and other times looks like a ChaCha with three steps forward and two steps back. But the experiences are never wasted. When the pieces of our broken human condition align with God's glorious design, that's where we find the truest picture of who we are in the light of our magnificent God, even if it means being somewhere between cancer and COVID.
Do you feel your story can serve as a hope and inspiration to others? Contact us at mystory@radiant.church.